do i even exist?

plenty had something to say

no mention of my name

it’s weird that they cannot even say it

a plane of existence where i’ll never be

harsh words thrown at me for my feelings

it will be something that forever bothers me

guilt i feel because of this ridiculous emotion

why would it make me so sad

no words came from me in fear of what the reprocussions would be

someone is permitted to mark their place over me rendering me defenseless

petty maybe but how much more of the unknown can i take

i no more believe in leaps of faith

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they

i admire you brave soul
knowing what you want
where your place is
perhaps you may still be slightly discombobulated

but

you will get to where you need to be
become the real you
in the end it doesn’t matter
you are an amazing person that has left a deep mark in this world
people will remember you and admire you whether you are he, she, it, we, they ……
nothing makes sense in this world
what matters is what makes sense to you and you alone
labels, pronouns, signs
they are all insignificant
we all have uniqueness that makes us a shining star

loving the big easy

from the moment i walked through your streets i fell in love with you

you overloaded my senses

the beauty that you hold is beyond reproach

your culture fascinating

you captivated me

put me under a spell

every day i was with you was a treasure

i took it all in like it was my last day on earth

the scenery

the music flowing through your streets

every local i spoke with more fascinating than the next

you left a mark on me

i long to be with you again

the beast within

This was written circa 2009, during my relationship from hell.

you broke me today

a beast released from deep inside of me

you made me this way

the only one that can bring this out of me

this ugliness

i saw black

i was scared

i did not know what i was doing

screaming, crying

the rage coming out of me

my parents had to see me like this

because of you

your selfishness

your disgusting nature

you always cared about yourself

you never saw what you were doing to me

calling me crazy, unfit, stupid

when my eyes opened the room was in disarray

broken glass, trash

like a cyclone came through

i hated you for this

all of it

what did i do to deserve you breaking me

differences

differences are always in the air

building walls between the two of them

who is right and who is wrong?

this will never be revealed

always a competition built in one of their minds

thoughts that will never end

the incompetent

i sit every day listening to the sounds of stupidity

it comes from all around me

i wonder

how did some of you get this far in life

the same questions day in and day out

things that have been explained numerous times

too deep for your pathetic excuse of a brain

you sit like a vegetable hating child pushing peas on a plate

pilfering time

you’re useless and contribute nothing to the team or society as a whole

Magic Mushrooms and a Ditch circa ’96

It was the summer of 1996, and I was dating AP at the time. He and I always had good times together; we got high, drank, hung out, had incredible sex……

We were getting ready to go see whatever Jackie Chan movie was out at the time, and he had this grand idea to try shrooms. He classed it up by stopping at Taco Bell to get soft tacos to sprinkle the shrooms in.

At first I didn’t feel anything. He stopped at the bank to tap MAC, and I waited in the car. I was bored and wanted to hear music so I turned the key to kick the battery, and somehow the car jumped the curb and went into a drainage ditch in front of the bank. I have no fucking idea how that happened. I shit you not this really happened.

Then the shrooms fucking hit me and the chain of events to follow was some of the most fucked up shit I have ever experienced in my entire life.

All I remember is getting out of the car and falling in the grass. As I climbed up the hill I see AP freaking out. We had to get a tow truck to get the car out of the ditch. At this point I started to freak and he walked me over to the Superfresh in the shopping center where his friend S worked. Poor S had to babysit me while all of this shit went down. Tow truck came, cops came it was a real cluster fuck. I felt so bad, but couldn’t stop laughing my ass off.

Surprisingly AP wasn’t pissed at all over the situation. We went back to his mom’s house who thankfully was away for the weekend. I was out of my mind at this point. So we decided to smoke some weed figuring that it would soften the blow of the trip. WRONG! I almost got eaten by a lawn chair, chased by a tree, climbed a never ending set of steps, and thought I was having sex with AP until I realized I was humping his pillow. We wound up having trippy insane sex and passed out. We woke up 14 hours later smoked a J and finally went to see Jackie Chan.

Moral of the story kids …. don’t do shrooms. Well do them, but don’t fuck around and turn the keys in a car, as you can see what that resulted in for me.

As for the angry lawn chair and I, we made up and became good friends despite the whole ordeal.

Ode to the Pickle

Oh mighty pickle how delicious is thee

Your smell, your taste is quite the bee’s knees

The delight I feel when I put you in my mouth, when I bite down it gives me a rush

Pickle oh pickle how delicious you be when I hear that crunch when I lower my teeth

As I chew you up all in my mouth your delicious dill taste bursts throughout

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