an apology to the one that matters most

I feel like I need to apologize for last night. There’s part of me that feels relieved and then there’s part of me that feels like I was a total bitch. I appreciate that you somewhat get it, but I don’t think you will ever totally get it. (That is not a cheap shot by any means.)

If I don’t express things that bother me it builds up inside of me and then when I finally say something it ends up with me getting into an argument with someone (I don’t like to argue). It’s difficult at times to talk to you, because everything is “ok and there, there it’s alright” with you. That’s a concept that is foreign to me. Nor do I think it is healthy to pacify someone. Perhaps that (pacifying someone) is the wrong way to explain it. Being a peacemaker whether you agree or disagree with someone is not always healthy and in the end may truly hurt the ones that really matter to you.

There has always been that proverbial wall that I surround myself with as protection from all the emotional impact that certain relationships have had on me. Is it fair, absolutely not, but it is what it is.

Even though I have had plenty of long standing relationships, boyfriends, friends, or otherwise; in a way what I have with you is new to me. The feelings I express to you are things I thought would never come out of my mouth to another human being. I feel like I have to “protect” what I have with you, and having certain elements in my life would challenge that. Do I feel horrible for not mending my friendship with Bill; yes, but in the end it would be something that could potentially become toxic to our relationship. Is it going to take some time for me to get over, yes. However, in knowing him (and it’s not something that he consciously does) he always has to come off as the alpha male to all of the men in my life. Is it on purpose, no that’s just how it has always been with him. I know in my heart that is something that would immensely bother you and hurt you. So am I willing to sacrifice a friendship of 23 years, for the chance to have what I always wanted? YES I AM! Do I look at it as turning my back on my best friend? NO! Even if he and I did not have this fight, even if he never told me how he felt about me, I know in my heart that this is something that would have to happen in order to have what I want with you. People just don’t stumble upon each other like you and I did. I started realizing more and accepting my feelings once we started spending virtually every day together after we went to FA. When you were away last week I honestly felt lost. Lost? I don’t get it either. I felt off balance like something was missing.

I know I shouldn’t apologize for how I feel; it’s just how it is and it’s not going to change. Do you get what I am saying or read in between the lines well? Nope, but maybe you will eventually understand.



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